BRITONS have always sneered at Americans, but if you’ve been following the US election it’s hard not to conclude that some of our nastiest prejudices are dead right. Such as these.
Americans are stupid
MAGA morons don’t seem to know anything, and definitely won’t google dubious ‘facts’. They’ll repeat Trump’s claim that Kamala is a communist, but they can’t explain what a communist is, or what her commie policies are. Basically Trump has identified a voter base that’s even stupider than him and will believe literally anything. Which is kind of necessary when you’re also trying to sell them Bitcoins and ‘Trump Digital Trading Cards’ costing $99 for some pixels.
Americans are all fat
They really are. No point denying it, they’re right there on the telly. The root cause is surely the shit processed food America’s megacorporations pump out, but there’s no excuse for weird American recipes like deep-fried Oreo fritters. And due to there being so many XXXL-size Americans* they think it’s normal to have the body shape of Pooh Bear scaled up to human size.
*American sizes actually go up to XXXXXXL.
Americans are blindly patriotic
Americans, even Democrats, can’t stop drivelling on about how much they love their country. ‘The military’ is of course above criticism, as if every single one of its 1.4 million active personnel is Jesus. Strange, because he’s not into waterboarding, sexual assault and blowing up weddings in the Bible.
Americans are inbred hillbillies
Trump rallies are always attended by hicks who look as if they’ve stepped out of a 1980s remake of Deliverance, with lank mullets underneath their MAGA baseball caps and random discoloured stumps where their teeth should be. Presumably after the rally they’ll be returning to their filthy huts in the Appalachians where date night is banging your sister. So thanks to Trump we’ve learned inbred hillbillies are all too real, and Americans can stick their jokes about British teeth up their buttholes. That includes you, Mike Myers.
Americans are gun nuts
We know Americans love their guns, but what may be new to Brits is the mystical powers they ascribe to the Second Amendment. Many seem to think this is all that stands between them and being rounded up and put in FEMA death camps – for reasons that still aren’t clear despite decades of this idiotic conspiracy theory. This is the true mark of the gun nut, not the relatively minor idiocy of feeling safer if you can have your head blown off at any time by a disgruntled co-worker or classmate.
Americans are religious loonies
Every US election involves much wanking on about God – who especially loves the USA for some reason – despite it being 339 years since the Enlightenment. Trump supporters are the worst, having decided his behaviour does not conflict with the Bible. Sorry – our mistake. It’s right there, Proverbs 3:5: ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and fraud, adultery and pussy-grabbing are fine.’ Even hard-nosed lawyer Kamala is a ‘woman of faith’, so you can be as prejudiced as you like about the God-bothering American twats.
