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New volcanic island emerges in shape of Putin’s face

A NEW volcanic island has emerged from the Pacific Ocean that looks like Russian president Vladimir Putin.

The still-smoking mile-long island is facing towards the coast of nearby Tonga with an acquisitive smile playing across its cruel stone lips.

A Kremlin spokesman said: “Do islands not emerge spontaneously from the sea floor in the shape of your leaders’ faces? How odd.

“We weren’t going to claim this as Russian territory, but it now seems daft not to, given the resemblance.”

The island has already formed a naturally occurring military airstrip and several large caves where you could, if you wanted, park about 300 armoured personnel carriers.

 

Justine Miliband not allowed in the big kitchen

ED MILIBAND’S wife is banned from the proper kitchen where he cooks flamboyant gourmet meals, it has emerged.

The Labour leader’s wife is restricted to the small kitchenette in their north London home where she is allowed to microwave pasties.

A source close to the couple said: “Ed has an induction hob, Sabatier knives and copper core pans up there, and he goes mental if Justine touches any of it.

“Once she sneaked in to borrow some milk and he blew up at her like Gordon Ramsay on crack, screaming that she’d disturbed the marinade and his lamb chops were ‘utterly fucked’.

“And he eats it all himself. Justine and the kids have to make do with pasties, fish fingers and bags of Monster Munch.”

Ed Miliband said: “I take cooking very seriously and my kitchen is my special place. I came up with the idea of compulsory election debates in there while scaling a red mullet.

“If she goes in there again I will divorce her. I don’t care if it costs me the election, she will not touch my fish tongs.”

It was also revealed that Miliband has a third kitchen, which has a dirt floor and an open fire, and a fourth kitchen which is filled with exotic African meat.

 

 

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