subscribe
/ Sign Out

Libya facing civil war over how to kill Gaddafi

LIBYA was split down the middle last night over how Colonel Gaddafi should eventually be killed.

Amid angry scenes some called for a kangaroo court and a hastily organised firing squad, while others are demanding a crazy show trial and a televised hanging.

The divisions over Gaddafi’s imminent death emerged minutes after the Libyan leader’s carefully planned charm offensive had somehow backfired.

In a warm and intelligent speech littered with good natured death threats, Gaddafi tried to ease the concerns of a furious population by saying they were all on drugs and that he would really like to massacre them.

But as Western nations began to evacuate their stranded Libyan oil money, millions of ordinary people said they would fight to the death over how Gaddafi should be executed.

Sulieman al-Kalifa, spokesman for the February Kangaroo Movement, said: “The Romanians didn’t dick about with Ceausescu. They scooped him out of a tank, took him to a canteen, asked his name and then whacked him behind a bike shed.

“The whole thing took about 20 minutes. Bish bash bosh. That’s got to be better than a lot of farting about.”

But Mohammed Bakra, deputy chairman of Crazy Trial Now, insisted a Ceausescu-style firing squad would deprive Libya and the world of an hilarious two-month court case.

He said: “Basically, we just stick him in a glass box and let him go mental.

“It will be very, very funny and we can make CDs and podcasts. You could sit on the tube listening to Colonel Gaddafi going on about cheese-flavoured Western pixie-devils and why you should never share a sleeping bag with a bearded man.”

He added: “I reckon we could get six, maybe eight weeks out of it before we get bored. Then we just find him guilty and hang him in the football stadium at seven o’clock on a Saturday night.

“We could get McFly to do the warm-up.”

 

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

I hate people who say ‘It’s political correctness gone mad!’ but I think we can all agree it’s true after what’s happened to Silvio Berlusconi.

There was no creepy paedophiliac subtext, no awkward Nazi moments and that Amanda Knox character was apparently miles away at the time. What has happened to innocent fun?

There was a time in my life when I felt the call to politics. I had so many opinions to give and so many people skills that it almost felt like a moral obligation from God. But Christ, am I glad I never went down that route today! In a parallel universe, I’m up against a singsong team of Italian lady judges and Silvio Berlusconi is writing a column about harmless intercourse.

We literally had Bill Clinton hung, drawn and quartered for what happened between him and presidential nympho, Monica Lewinsky, but look how sorry we all are now. It was a very painful time for him and we should be ashamed of ourselves.

And look at dusky Big Brother expert, Tommy Sheridan. He wasn’t even gay but he still went to the clink. He even looks a bit like Silvio. Is it a coincidence?

Lots of people get confused when they think about Silvio Berlusconi because they mistake him for the Pope. But it’s easy to tell the two apart at social engagements as each has a very different car. They also have very distinct duties. While the Pope is forbidden from visiting prostitutes, no-one has actually put that in writing for Silvio. Naturally, this makes him feel insecure and frightened. So at the end of the day we’ve only got ourselves to blame – he’s a man, not a machine.

Meanwhile Italy is angry and there are reports that large groups of women have gone Egyptian and held street events. But if you look at the number of Roman Catholics in Italy and compare it to the number of women, you will discover that at least eighty percent of the women on these marches were nuns. So it’s no wonder they hate sex so much.

As Silvio is hounded for having feelings, we must ask ourselves: Do we really want to put another innocent heterosexual out of a job?

 

 

Next story ›