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If you want us to behave ourselves, don't fill your city with drugs and prostitutes

BRITONS have advised Amsterdam that if they want only sober, respectable tourists perhaps lacing the city with cannabis and whores was a mistake.

Following the launch of an advertising campaign warning young British men to stay away from the city, they said they would happily do so if it were not filled with all the things they like the very most.

Jack Browne, aged 22, said: “You don’t think we’re coming for the canals, do you? It’s not the canals.

“Nor are we flocking to your city for the Van Goghs, the Anne Frank Huis, the Rembrandts or the Pianola Museum. I regret it is the weed and the prostitutes that draw us in.

“We like getting stoned, you see, almost to a man, and a certain amount of our number – naming no names, Ryan – also enjoy congress with sex workers. To get both of these without legal risk on a £50 flight from the UK? Exquisite.

“Don’t get me wrong, we’re welcome nowhere. The whole of Europe hates British men aged 18 to 25, Britain included. But you have iced your citybreak cake with incredibly strong skunk and lingerie-clad women posing in windows, and we are powerless to resist.

“We also find your shit, drizzly weather and bland food comforting. Though you need to work on your drinking culture. Closing at 1am? F**k that.”

15 garden features which prove you're working-class

WANT to make your neighbours worry they’ve accidentally moved in next to a working-class family? Here’s what to put in your garden.

Huge playset

Not content with a single, tasteful wooden swing, a working-class household maximises fun for the kids by squeezing an entire adventure playground onto a three metre square lawn.

Rusty barbecue

Frighten your middle-class neighbours by leaving this harbinger of raucous, boozy parties in your garden all year round.

Hot tub with lights

And not a wood-fired hot tub made from reclaimed floorboards. A massive plastic one with jets.

B&Q summer house

The idea of having a garden room for summer is very aspirational, but this one gets f**king boiling so is instead used for late night darts and smoking.

Mooning garden gnome

The couple next door who recently moved from the city spend a long time convincing themselves that this tacky ornament is ironic. It isn’t.

Dog tied to a spike

‘Wouldn’t hurt a fly’ you explain to anyone who comments on the raging, slavering beast that lives outdoors 365 days a year.

Large plastic car

Your kids are in their 20s but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever get rid of the Cozy Coupe, even though it’s broken and black with mildew.

A car on bricks

That Ford Escort XR3i has been in the front garden so long it’s classified as vintage now. You’d get a lot of money for it if the chassis hadn’t rusted through and the engine fallen out.

Plastic grass

Who can be arsed to mow the lawn when you can hoover it instead?

Concrete everywhere

Or don’t even bother pretending you’ve got grass and concrete the whole lot over.

Dovecote

Not the aesthetically pleasing type but a tall shed made of corrugated iron and asbestos which is full of actual pigeons that shit all over the neighbour’s decking.

Mattress

Getting a mattress to the tip is impossible and your teenager likes using this for weed and heavy petting sessions in the summer.

Huge inflatable pool

Used twice three summers ago and now sadly deflated but still takes up 80 per cent of the garden.

An old bathroom

Removed in 2011 and in a pile at the end of the yard. Full of slugs and toads so you tell the grandchildren it’s a nature reserve.

Jar full of fag butts

Full of yellowing, stinking rainwater, you leave this on the window sill nearest the neighbour’s house so the smell wafts over their insufferable al fresco dinner parties.

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