HEY, I’m that Zelensky guy. Little guy, disrespectful, won’t wear a suit even when he’s meeting with your favourite president. Anyway, here’s how I started a war like a loser.
First, I had this country, if you can call it a country because it’s historically part of Russia, Putin says so. A man who’s done a lot of great things for his country, nobody can deny that.
And my country had all this wealth, which was a mistake. Farmland, nice strategic position on the Black Sea, rare earth minerals they tell me. Just sitting there like a beautiful Thanksgiving turkey.
Now they say my country had signed treaties to give up its nuclear weapons with America. With America who? Clinton? Bush? They weren’t presidents. They weren’t the number one most popular president with Washington at two, like I am. I mean like Trump is.
Then I want to join NATO. Now you know NATO, they’ve been very bad to America. Very bad. So of course, because I’m a freeloader from a freeloader country on a freeloader continent, I want in. So sad.
Putin, he’s a reasonable guy, but this goes too far for him. It crosses a line. Now that line might only be there in his head but that’s a real line, a grave line, so what choice does he have. It’s very upsetting for him.
When he hits back – they’re calling it an invasion, but it was retaliation, very fair – the Europeans they’re up in arms, crying to Biden. He falls for it because he’s really such a bad president.
So I start a war against someone 20 times my size then I ask for missiles. That’s the wrong way around. I got that backwards. A smart president wouldn’t do that.
Luckily Trump is in now after that election that was rigged so badly, there would have been no war if it hadn’t been. He’s ending the war and taking all our minerals and giving us nothing in return. So fair. I’m signing that deal tomorrow.
