DONALD Trump takes office tomorrow and the next four years will be much easier to get through if, like Mark Zuckerberg, you pretend to be happy about it. Try this:
Call him a genius
You’re a genius, and definitely not some geek prick who got lucky. All your friends are geniuses, and definitely not a bunch of nerds who were on the right Usenet group to hear about Bitcoin. So why can’t Trump be a genius, and every move he makes be a genius move? Note: make sure not to listen to anything he says, so as not to ruin the illusion.
Decry woke
Woke has gone too far, and Trump is fighting it, and that’s all that’s important! Ignore the threat of tariffs that will destabilise the global economy. Turn a blind eye to the deranged mutants he’s appointing to cabinet. Forget his insinuations of wars with both the US’s closest neighbours and Denmark. He’s fighting woke! Years after it peaked!
You’re the jocks now
Finally you’re part of the popular crowd, because you’re hanging out with a guy who won the popular vote. He’s tough, cool and all the hot girls love him, even if he does in person appear to be aged, effete, soft-voiced and utterly uninterested in sex. Still, all the loser liberals are just jealous of you for being in Trump’s gang. Own that.
Focus on who he’s annoying
A great many people are horrified by Trump’s election, from Hollywood actors to Marie in your office. Put aside the sensible and family members and hone in on the ones you don’t like. Revel in their outrage, draw strength from their irritation, and decide that since they’ve lost you must have won. So this is what victory feels like: faintly shaming.
Pretend the events of four years ago never happened
January 6th? Isn’t that Twelfth Night, and time to take down decorations? Certainly it’s not a date with any other significance, except to a few innocents who will be rightly pardoned tomorrow. Tried to overthrow an election? An autocrat who’ll do better next time and declare his son president? No idea who you’re talking about, sorry.
Make money
Easy for Bezos and his ilk, a little bit harder for you as an audit manager in Wakefield, but if you just keep your eyes on the bottom line then a Trump presidency will be a huge success. Alright it wasn’t last time, and half the policies he’s proposing will be disastrous, and you’ve got enough money anyway. But still. Trump’s brilliant, he must be, he won.
