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Man weirdly passionate about dog keeping its balls

A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood. 

Joe Turner and girlfriend Eleanor Shaw acquired a puppy last year, but she admits being unaware that its genitalia would become psychologically linked with his own.

Turner said: “A woman would never understand – but how could I do that to another bloke? It’s all we have.

“What would other men think about me if they see me walking around with a eunuch on a lead? I’d be rightly ostracised by for failing to protect my own dog’s manhood.

“Personally, no matter how much damage it causes, I believe every male deserves to keep its bollocks, whether dog, ferret or woodlouse. And I’m uncomfortable with the precedent. If we get rid of the dog’s balls, then whose balls are next?”

Shaw said: “I’m not waging a war on masculinity. I’m trying to stop a Golden Retriever bolting into traffic because he’s detected a bitch on heat a mile away.

“I have no plans to cut off Joe’s balls. Instead, as we grow into the full flowering of our relationship, I shall blithely ignore them.”

'I Am The Toast You Dropped Butter-Side Down': Six country songs for British audiences

COUNTRY music is all about high drama, hard liquor and cowboy metaphors. Can it be adapted to suit lower-key British audiences? 

‘Love Me Slow, Like The Caravan You Tow’ 

Life on the open road differs slightly between Wyoming and Warwickshire. In Britain those choosing freedom are towing a 2014 Swift Challenger and looking for a man who ain’t got no qualms about emptying a chemical toilet. As the lyric says:

‘Hitch me to your towbar in sunshine or rain, and take your sweet time on my inside lane.  Don’t go overtakin’, it aint for speed I’m achin’, I want a steady drivin’ man again.’

‘I Am The Toast You Dropped Butter-Side Down’

Heartbreak is central to country, and the heroine of this song has been loved and cast aside. Bereft, alone in an uncaring world and living just outside Derby, the song tells her story:

‘Watching repeats of Friends from under a frown, ain’t got no wine for my sorrows to drown. Going to the offy in Ugg boots and gown, cause I am the toast you dropped butter-side down’.

‘Stella-Swiggin’ Fella’

For cowboys it’s Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Four Roses. For British HGV drivers, their equivalent, it’s Stella they turn to. Steadfast loyalty to a Belgian super-brewery producing strong lager means he’s a man you can rely on:

‘I can feel his one-pack was drawing near, before long we’re neckin’ more than his beer. I can’t remember his name to tell ya, but I know he’s my Stella-swiggin’ fella.’

‘She Left The Big Light On In My Heart’

This man’s lover has left him but, much as she always did in the front room of the new-build semi they shared in Bedworth, she’s left the big light burning. Compounding his heartache with high energy prices, as he explains:

‘If you’d left a candle on it won’t be burnin’ still, but you left the big light on and I’m footin’ the bill.’

‘Dunk Your Biscuit In The Tea Of Me’

US country songs focus on cultural activities like attending monster truck rallies and shooting wildly into the air. What could be a more British replacement than a cup of tea with a friend? Especially if laced with innuendo, like:

‘You dunked your Homewheat halfway down, and I knew it must be love. So I showed you how deep a Hob-Nob goes in my Sports Direct mug.’

‘Don’t Recline The Seat In Your Kia Ceed With My Kids In The Back Unless You Love Me’

Country songs sometimes avoid ambiguity by telling the whole story in the title, particularly if there’s a personal dilemma involved. The woman in this song puts her children’s comfort before the fleeting desires of a potential partner because she’s in a small hatchback, as so:

‘Don’t lie me flat with my kids in the back, unless your intentions are true. Then we will recline and let our hearts be entwined and I’ll give them some colourin’ to do.’

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