Go now, dog-faced Stargate aliens tell Mubarak

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

The warning came as the Egyptian leader insisted he would stay in office until September as he still has six months left on his presidential O2 iPhone contract and he was not about to pay £24.99 a month for something he couldn’t even use.

But Mubarak’s defiance was met with a stark warning from Ra, the transgender alien superbeing who built the pyramids but accidentally left behind a large circular stone gateway that could yet prove to be his or her undoing.

In a message beamed simultaneously through the Stargate and Twitter, Ra said: “You have displeased me son of Osiris. Make way for a new son of Ra. Or the army. Or some other corrupt, tinpot Pharaoh. Or maybe even those crazy Muslim guys. Whatever.”

Ra said that if Mubarak did not resign by Saturday 50 million inter-galactic soldiers wearing scary metal dog heads would storm through the Stargate and start fucking things up in scenes that would make Roland Emmerich look like Woody Allen.

A massive spaceship shaped like a pyramid would then land on top of a pyramid, crushing it like a paper cup, before Ra himself steps forth in all her majesty and starts firing deadly lasers from his white-hot eyes.

Sources close to the god-like extra terrestrial say she is furious at being distracted by events in Egypt as he wants to devote more time to Stargate Atlantis and that new one with the nutter from Trainspotting.

But Mubarak dismissed the threats in a televised address and explained how he had signed up for a new phone contract without realising it was 18 months instead of 12.

He added: “Unfortunately these contracts are not transferable. I can’t just give the phone to Omar Suleiman. He will have to get his own phone. And what’s the point of paying two lots of £24.99 when I could just hang on until September?

“I spoke to the girl at Carphone Warehouse and she said there was no way round it. Ra or no Ra.”

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

The science world is celebrating this week at the discovery of the oldest known galaxy.

At 13.2 billion light years away, the distances are mind boggling and you may be panicking because you don’t know what it all means. But you’ll find everything slips into place when you just sing these words: ‘Everybody, summertime love!’.

If you’re anything like me, you’re now thinking of the glamorous 80s pop sensation, Sabrina and her massive hit record Boys, Boys, Boys. Sabrina couldn’t hold a note, owned cheaply made swimwear and facially was rather like a butch Christopher Dean. But somehow she managed to become a star – men and women alike swooned because of her huge stage presence and the lyrics of her song. Like me, they saw she had an inner beauty, even after all the disadvantages life had thrust upon her.

And where is Sabrina now? Well, there’s no point looking for her: she’s gone forever and there’s no way anyone will ever get to go shopping with her again. And it is this that she has in common with UDFj-39546284, Hubble’s latest big discovery.

Like Sabrina, all that is truly fabulous about this ancient galaxy existed far away in the distant past of the universe and the only reason we know about it today is because of a magnificent image which was broadcast 13 billion years ago. It really was the most amazing spectacle, but if we were to go there now, there would be nothing but a black hole, sucking in and devouring all kinds of flotsam from the immediate vicinity and interring it in its ever expanding core. It’s the tragic fate of our own Milky Way system and, sadly, of every young bronzed poultry buff who smiles playfully from behind the bar in Nandos. It’s easy to get depressed about this cruel fact of life but the best course of action is simply not to think about it too much and order another Blue Margarita.

However there is a school of thought who subscribe to the theory whereby UDFj-39546284 is not gone. In fact, intelligent life could have formed there which might be studying us back. I find it a rather unnerving prospect. If such evolution had occurred on Sabrina, I dread to think what manner of terrible brilliance might be at work. She could have entered the world of championship darts or even the Knights Templar – it’s not uncommon.

There may be some who feel a stirring in their trousers at the notion of Sabrina surreptitiously watching us with her one eye bigger than the other; perhaps Professor Cox is one of them – I couldn’t speculate. But the fact of the matter is: galaxies, like all fabulous Latinas, don’t get to be iridescent and glorious forever. Sabrina never thought the black hole would happen to her but it did, and one day soon it’ll happen to the young pretender, Ricky Martin. And after we’ve been through the gruelling horror of that, it will happen to us.