ONE of the hundreds of white suit-wearing male Conservative MPs in his 50s has admitted that to him all Asians look the same. 

The man, who is thought to be James Grey but nobody can be certain because he is functionally identical to all the rest, is currently MP for some rural seat in the South where he will eventually be replaced by a lookalike holding the same views and driving the same classic car.

Denys Finch Hatton, one of a handful of ghost-white Tory backbenchers who the general public can name, said: “Are you asking me because you think I’m him? I’m not him. I’ve checked and I’ve got a different wife.

“Just because we all went to the same private school, love hunting and are embroiled in tax evasion doesn’t mean that we’re carbon copies of each other. It’s an offensive stereotype.

“I, for example, can easily tell the difference between my Sajid Javids and my Nadhim Zahawis. My only cross to bear is my deeply bigoted opinions about women.

“And Nadine Dorries agreed with those completely when we spoke the other day. Or was it Liz Truss? Damn.”