subscribe
/ Sign Out

Davis emerges without trousers

DAVID Davis was forced to surrender his trousers during the first day of Brexit talks, it has been confirmed.

After a day of tense negotiations in Brussels, the Brexit Secretary also signed over his house and his car in exchange for an adjustable chair and a glass of tap water.

Davis said: “At one point I handed over the key card to my hotel room. Not entirely sure how that happened, truth be told.

“I anticipate round two being much better after a good night’s sleep on a bench.”

Talks began with an exchange of gifts between Davis and the EU chief negotiator, with Davis presenting Michel Barnier with a book on mountaineering and Barnier giving Davis a massive wedgie.

It its understood Davis lost the upper hand when the German negotiator stole his pen and refused to give it back until he performed the macarena in his underpants for a full five minutes.

Britain doing shit it would never do if it wasn't hot

BRITAIN is throwing itself into murky ponds and wearing bright yellow shorts just because it is hotter than normal, it has emerged.

Across the country, millions are indulging in out-of-character activities like sitting outside where there is no television, buying ice lollies for the whole office and speaking to strangers, all because of the temperature.

Martin Bishop of Hounslow said: “It was so hot I tore off all my clothes and leapt into a lake I later discovered, from reading the signs, was toxic to life.

“It was great, really cool and fresh, though I do have a 13-inch scratch from submerged barbed wire that’s going green. And blue.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I rarely drink, but it’s so lovely I had nine glasses of white wine in a beer garden in the blazing sun.

“Predictably this resulted in heat stroke and a headache that feels like someone drilling into my brain. Still, the sunburn might turn into a tan if all my skin doesn’t fall off.”

Graphic designer Tom Logan agreed: “Usually my stylish clothes are the envy of the office. But today I’m in socks with sandals, a sleeveless vest and cargo shorts that make me look like a Bangkok sex tourist.

“This must be why foreigners are the way they are. I don’t know how they stand it.”

Next story ›