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Britain secures trade deal with mysterious country no-one's heard of

TRADE secretary Liam Fox has negotiated a superb trade deal with the previously unknown country of Mungotania, he has claimed.

The minister announced a deal worth “hundreds of billions” with the small but wealthy state, which does not appear on maps due to a desire to remain unspoilt by tourism.

Fox said: “Mungotania is rich thanks to its vast diamond mines but bad at farming and so is prepared to pay in excess of £100 for an ordinary British cabbage.

“Another excellent export opportunity is their love of British cars. For a Mungotanian the ultimate status symbol is a Ford Fiesta sitting proudly in their drive.

“Britain’s world-beating creative industries also stand to benefit. The top-grossing Mungotanian film in 2016 was Dad’s Army.

“I’ve grown to love the country during my tireless work there. I’ve been flying in daily from my luxury hotel in Miami but unfortunately I have no record of this because I lost all the ticket stubs for my Air Mungo flights.

“However I must warn that due to unusual tectonic plate activity in the region it is possible the entire country could vanish at any moment.”

Buddhist has no idea what it is

A MAN who is into Buddhism has incredible difficulty explaining what it is, people have noticed.

Friends of graphic designer Julian Cook feel that if Buddhism is so brilliant and life-changing he should be able to give a rough idea of why it is good.

Carolyn Ryan said: “He just comes out with vague ideas like people being unhappy because they ‘attach’ to things that don’t last. I asked him to be more specific but he just smiled in a quite annoying way.

“The only tangible benefit I’ve pinned him down to is feeling amazingly relaxed after meditating, but I can do that by getting pissed and watching The Big Bang Theory.”

Cook said: “Buddhism is about using the metaphorical tree of awakening to accept the karmic cycle of existence and end the pain of suffering and rebirth. It’s all pretty straightforward really.

“Buddhists don’t think Buddha is god, but we do pray to him. I’ll admit that’s a bit confusing, and also the way we don’t believe in nonsense like angels, but do believe in nonsense like reincarnation.

“It’s best not to get bogged down in the philosophy and just enjoy the meditation, at least until sitting on the floor for ages starts to make your arse hurt.”

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