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America to remain in darkness until at least 2020

THERE will be a darkness cloaking America for at least the next three years, it has emerged.

Millions of Americans took to the streets to hopefully watch the sun emerge from behind the moon, only to find that their country remained shrouded in darkness.

Tom Booker, from Oregon, said: “I guess we are stuck with the darkness, unless investigations into the darkness’s business practices turn up anything juicey and it gets removed.

“But I can’t imagine the darkness will go easily because it’s big and fat and sticky.

“On the plus side, I am saving a fortune on sun cream.”

Emma Bradford from Florida said: “I just avoid looking directly at the darkness, because it can make you go a bit insane.

“The best thing is to not think about it too much, keep eating slightly too much food, and hope this year brings another Lego Movie.”

Naturalists report sighting of elusive, rarely-seen Yodel driver

NATURE experts have reported a rare eyewitness sighting of a Yodel delivery driver.

Yodel drivers are thought to exist in scattered breeding colonies around the UK, but hide from mankind and prefer to just leave a card rather than knocking or ringing a bell.

Yodel-watcher Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve seen lots of Yodel cards on my doormat over the years, often telling me I was out when I was in. That’s the kind of quirky humour Yodel drivers enjoy.

“But like most of us, I had never seen a Yodel driver in that flesh. I always wondered what they looked like, whether they were human or some sort of large fox that can drive.”

Hayes saw the Yodel driver as it was lobbing a fragile parcel over a neighbour’s garden wall.

“It was about six feet tall and walking on its hind legs. Its movements were quite graceful and swift.

“I ran to get my camera but when I got back it had gone. But it’s a good feeling knowing I can tell my grandkids about the time I saw a Yodel driver and how magical it was.

“Apparently their diet includes cardboard, which is why sometimes their parcels arrive with bites taken out of them.”

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