Health

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.

PREGNANT women have been advised to forget boring hospitals and to go into labour in nightclubs, on trains and in safari parks instead.

PUBLIC health officials have advised the public to stop eating chicken while pecking the microphone and squawking intermittently.

BRITAIN'S hypochondriacs are delighted by claims that wi-fi could in some way harm their health.

STEAMPUNKS have won their battle for free quasi-Victorian corrective eyewear.

BRITONS have decided that pizza is the main component of a Mediterranean diet.

EVERYONE in Britain will be fighting something off until further notice.

CHILDREN have confirmed that they will find sugar wherever it is hidden because they love it.

SCHOOLCHILDREN smoking vapour-based cigarettes are being mocked by their peers, it has emerged.

THE government is to remove health advice from rolling tobacco packets because the people who buy them simply do not care.