Health

THE UK has told the Conservatives that they could halve drug use at a stroke by going away and never coming back.

CHEESE is so good that if it were possible to cook it with a blowtorch and inhale it deeply into the lungs it would definitely be worth it, Britain has agreed.

A MAN who adopted a ‘clean living’ lifestyle is now getting 'high' on being incredibly sanctimonious.

A MAN who spent his youth taking ecstasy is finding it impossible to reach the same levels of bliss by going to the gym, he has confirmed.

A MAN has stopped working out after realising no-one gives a tuppenny toss about how long he spends at the gym.

A PREGNANT woman complimented for her healthy glow is actually sweating cobs and exhausted, she has confirmed.

THE milk we buy in supermarkets is straight from the tits of a cow, it has been claimed.

THE first sizzling hot chip on a plate has been eaten within seconds of arriving at the table, ruining the rest of the meal.

A MAN has confirmed that Pot Noodles are manky and he will not stop eating them.

JEREMY Hunt is bitterly jealous of the cyber attackers who brought the NHS to its knees.