Health

EVANGELISTS for the wonders of coffee have become even more intolerable after scientists confirmed it is good for your health.

A MOTHER has streamlined her wine consumption by feeding it directly into her bloodstream.

A MAN has noticed that everything in his shopping basket is cheese, has cheese on it or will have cheese somehow added to it.

A MAN who has taken up boxing so he can tell people he is a boxer admitted he is basically paying money to get punched in the face.

ANYONE who claims they only need four hours sleep a night is a lying tired bastard, it has been confirmed.

PLANS to ask patients about their sexuality mean doctors’ surgeries will become debauched sex clubs full of perverts, old people believe.

A BABY girl has confirmed that 'self-soothing' as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged.

BRITONS are not at risk of salmonella from eating runny eggs though they will still sicken anyone forced to watch, a watchdog has confirmed.