Health

BRITISH tobacco warnings will be replaced by Australian ‘You probably won’t get cancer, mate, but go easy in case’ warnings in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

A WOMAN has congratulated herself on hitting her daily goal of 10,000 steps by going on a special excursion to the chip shop.

A WOMAN who went to see her GP because she had a bit of sniffle was outraged that the waiting room was full of people.

A YOGA teacher has finally mastered the challenging move of pretending to have a fully-functioning life outside yoga classes.

A MAN who has been promising to "go for a run tomorrow" for five years definitely means it this time.

A WOMAN who works long hours, never sees her friends and worries about her job constantly thinks she is doing very well at life, she has confirmed.

A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that.

A WOMAN who treated herself to a ‘cheeky takeaway’ is subsequently indulging herself in a cheeky bout of gastroenteritis, she has confirmed.

A COUPLE who thought it would be romantic to swim naked in a tranquil river have ended up with a nasty dose of diarrhoea and some tetanus booster jabs.

A VAPE user doesn’t believe that inhaling gallons of flavoured nicotine mist might be somehow be unhealthy.