Health

NOT looking forward to going to a big wedding or cricket match in the coming weeks? Here are some other events you can now legitimately cry off.

IT’S important to share your witless opinions about the coronavirus on traditional forums for idiots such as BBC comments and Mail Online. Try some of these. 

A DAD has confirmed he will be shaking hands and potentially spreading a deadly virus rather than ever ‘fist-bump’.

BIT of a headache? Slight cough? Friend of a friend back from France? You might be able to convince yourself you’ve got the coronavirus.

A WOMAN often seen carrying a yoga mat has admitted she only uses it to take frequent naps.

THE UK has woken up to the fact that the coronavirus is here and happening and this is likely to be very bad. 

THE government has revealed its 12-point emergency plan to stop the coronavirus sweeping Britain and upsetting the markets. Read it immediately.

THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about surviving deadly infections will be fine.

A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.

A GP is running out of tactful ways to tell a patient his health issues are down to being a big fat f**ker who is always on the sauce.