Health

PATIENTS who are given artificial hearts will lose their soul, doctors admitted last night.

NEW doctors are to be trained how to spot death, the department of health announced yesterday.

ANGRY parents are demanding compensation after an obesity gene made them feed their children until they popped.

SMOKERS have urged Bill Gates to produce a range of software that doesn't have them reaching for a cigarette every time it crashes.

BOTTLES and cans of alcohol are to carry labels warning consumers they could end up shitfaced.

A NEW prostate cancer drug which could save thousands of lives is still not as good as The Wire, critics said last night.

TEENAGERS are being urged to sponge themselves thoroughly following a sharp increase in young person's sex diseases.

THE British government is in the grip of a chronic addiction to prescription painkillers, experts claimed last night.

ACUPUNCTURE is extremely effective at making tiny holes all over the body, the biggest ever study of the ancient Chinese remedy has revealed. 

CIRCUSES across the world were celebrating last night after a bearded lady give birth to a baby girl.