Health

SMOKERS who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

AN NHS hospital which used untrained receptionists to treat patients still performed better than homeopathy, research shows.

BRITAIN'S chief medical officer was last night forced to deny links to the international skunk trade after calling for the price of alcohol to be doubled.

DOCTORS should be taxed every time they open their fat, smug, overpaid mouths, it was claimed last night.

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.

EXPERTS last night removed eggs from the list of proscribed foodstuffs, but added a series of new mouth-based dangers including deep-fried bees, iron filings and industrial-grade liquid cobalt.

THE men of Jamaica last night offered to show the world their incredibly healthy balls.

MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study.