Health

BRITAIN'S orange people are to be banned from enclosed public places under tough new laws, it emerged last night.

THE number of people who have totally got that swine flu thing is set to explode over the next few days, it was claimed last night.

CONCERN was growing last night that the British public is not freaking out quite as much as it was supposed to.

SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.

THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.

A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.