Health

MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.

WOMAN are being pressurised into emulating unrealistic levels of brainless folly, according to a new report.

THE government has backed down on ideologically-driven changes to the NHS and will now overhaul the health service 'because'.

READING Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld saga back to front makes you want to commit suicide, supporters of unbearable pain said last night.

SCIENTISTS believe they are closer to curing sex addiction after identifying an unusually high incidence among rich, ageing men.

AN inquiry was launched last night into why it has taken more than a week to trace the Ecoli outbreak to the foulest of all vegetables.

THERE were fresh concerns about Britain last night after officials found it necessary to remind fully-grown humans to wash their hands after going to the lavatory.

HAVING a mobile phone strapped to your head will produce money-making brain vitamins, investment bankers were assured last night.

BRITAIN'S accident and emergency units were in party mode last night, celebrating a seven-figure landmark in the number of semi-comatose people having pipes stuck up their noses.

THOUSANDS of women who bought a light brown dress have found that they are still not princesses.