Health

AS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.

THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.

AS the rate of skin cancer increases amongst young women, doctors have called for a nationwide information campaign starring creosoted glamour model Jodie Marsh.

DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.

MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.