Health

SMOKERS will have to hold a large piece of card over their face so they cannot look at the cigarette they are smoking, ministers said last night.

HOLLYWOOD superstar Michael J. Fox last night complained that he would have been cured of his Parkinson’s disease by now if he really was a mouse.

PET shops all over Britain have been besieged by fat men demanding their car boots be filled up with cats. 

DOCTORS are urging the government to confirm its online banking details before account access is suspended.

TESCO is demanding the government brings in tough new measures to increase the price of everything, its chief executive said last night. 

COMA patients should not be signed off sick as they can perform light tasks such as draught exclusion, the health minister Alan Johnson has announced.

RIZLA cigarette papers are to carry warnings that excessive cannabis smoking makes you incredibly boring and likely to bore others around you.

THE Department of Health has written to GPs in England and Wales asking them if they wouldn't mind doing a bit of work, just for five minutes.

WOMEN who wear high heels have poor sex lives because they only attract men who are premature ejaculating foot fetishists, a new study reveals. 

DIRTY pensioners are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned last night.