Health

WORRIED parents are being urged not to automatically assume that their baby is as pathetic and ill-informed as they are.

THE NHS is to replace homeopathy with medicine after realising that a wet tea bag applied to the buttocks will not cure cancer. 

FOREIGN mothers who think they can just come over here and have their baby in an NHS hospital have been told to give birth in the kitchen sink.

BRITAIN'S fat people are to be hounded into submission through a multi-million pound strategy of shouting and community violence.

FILLING your bed with frogs before you go to sleep could stop you getting a decent night's rest, new research reveals.

EVERYONE is to be fitted with a zip as part of Gordon Brown’s plan to nationalise Britain’s kidneys.

THE number of men addicted to sex with themselves is just about the same as it has always been, a new study reveals. 

TRADITIONAL lightbulbs are a healthy and nutritious superfood rich in riboflavin and better for you than broccoli, the traditional light bulb industry revealed last night. 

SMOKERS are nearly five times more likely to be eaten by dragons than non-smokers, a new study suggests. 

BRITAIN exploded at both ends last night as the latest gastric superbug lit up the nation's bathrooms.