Health

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

DOCTORS have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

BRITONS have been reminded that having a strong desire for spicy meat is not a reason to dial 999.

THE government is appealing to children's sense of nostalgia by promoting potato croquette-based school dinners as having a 'retro vibe'.

THE amount of drivel on smoothie bottles could affect consumers' mental health, it has been claimed.

DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that the only long term risk associated with mobile phones is gittishness.

RECESSION, austerity and reduced spending power have not stopped Britain from ramming calories into the front of its head, scientists have confirmed.

MUSIC videos are to be given IQ ratings to prevent frustration among the relatively intelligent.

THE war on blackheads will soon be won by Britain's men, with the help of Clinique's Nuclear Face Holocaust range.