Health

THERE were fresh concerns about Britain last night after officials found it necessary to remind fully-grown humans to wash their hands after going to the lavatory.

HAVING a mobile phone strapped to your head will produce money-making brain vitamins, investment bankers were assured last night.

BRITAIN'S accident and emergency units were in party mode last night, celebrating a seven-figure landmark in the number of semi-comatose people having pipes stuck up their noses.

THOUSANDS of women who bought a light brown dress have found that they are still not princesses.

PEOPLE who believe they are intolerant to certain foods have been advised to stop going on about it.

PEOPLE are drinking more to distract themselves from constantly worrying about cancer.

DOCTORS have rejected an opportunity to make more money, it has emerged.

'BIEBER fever' is a sexually transmitted bacterial infection, scientists have confirmed.

KEBAB lovers were last night relieved to discover their favourite food is nothing more than illegal chimpanzee meat.

THOUSANDS of public health experts could disappear over the next two weeks if they don't shut it, according to a new study.