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Woman goes to gym for good sit down

A WOMAN has once again spent several hours at her local gym doing anything except working out.

Nikki Hollis has been attending the gym Super Elite Fitness for the past two years in order to relax, play with her phone, use the sauna and delude herself that she is somehow getting fit.

Hollis said: “It’s not fair to say I’m not improving my fitness. All those smoothies must be making me super-healthy and full of vitamins.

“At least I actually go to the gym. Most of my friends pay £60 a month and never go, but I’m there all the time, walking vigorously to the comfy seats and exercising my upper body unpacking my gym bag.

“In any case it’s up to me what I use the membership for, which today is admiring my cool new gym wear in a mirror.”

Fellow gym user Joseph Turner said: “It’s really annoying when Nikki is having a rest on the leg press when I want to use it. She seems to think it’s some sort of high-tech sofa.

“To be fair she does do some exercise. Her thumb muscles must be ripped from all that texting.”

Are you edgy or just desperately seeking attention?

ARE you genuinely edgy, deep and enigmatic or is it a thinly veiled attempt to get attention? Take our test and find out.

Do you say risqué or offensive things because: 

A) You have Tourette’s or a level of irony so deep no one understands how clever you are.

B) It’s a smokescreen for your actual personality which is super-boring and actually quite conservative.

Why do you have an ‘intense’ facial piercing?

A) You are a Bedouin nomad from North Africa.

B) You chickened out of getting a neck tattoo so had to do something to get noticed. 

Why do you take a lot of drugs?

A) You’re a hedonistic gonzo journalist like Hunter S. Thompson, living outside normal society and reporting back scathingly on its inherent hypocrisy.

B) You believe it impresses people, although it’s mainly the the sort of tw*ts who are also impressed by money, looks and DJ Tiesto.

You have fangs because:

A) You are actually a vampire. It’s not a lifestyle choice. You will actually die without blood.

B) You unwisely had your teeth shaved into fangs because hopefully with the silly vampire voice you affect someone will finally have sex with you.

Why do you only have very basic furniture and no TV?

A) You are committed to living a simple minimalist existence.  

B) It’s an opportunity for endless hashtags about every aspect of your very tedious life. 

Mostly As – Congratulations. You are abnormal but genuinely interesting and a rightful focal point of a social gathering.

Mostly Bs – You are desperately seeking attention and definitely get noticed at social gatherings, but in a ‘Who was that total b*llend?’ way that people will laugh about for days to come.

 

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