subscribe
/ Sign Out

We’re only doing this to protect people who matter, 30-year-olds getting jabs told

ANYONE 30 and over invited to be vaccinated has been told they are still not getting affordable housing, free higher education or stable jobs. 

The relatively young are only being rushed through jabs to safeguard homeowners who vote Tory and should not read too much into it, the government has confirmed.

An NHS spokeswoman said: “Calm down. We haven’t gone soft. This isn’t the start of a long overdue quality of life improvement for young people. We’re purely looking after our electorate.

“This is a one-off occurrence of you enjoying decent treatment like your parents and grandparents. You’ll be back to shit sandwiches before they know it, as nature intended.

“Don’t be fooled into thinking you’ll get the opportunities and social mobility that previous generations took for granted. We’ve pulled the ladder up behind us and that’s that. This is an entirely selfish gesture.”

Ryan Whittaker, aged 31, said: “This announcement is a real weight off my mind. For a second there I was worried that I would be treated like a valuable human being.”

Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox: 

Blueyonder – old as shit

You got this in the late 90s and are too terrified of losing decades of possibly valuable spam to update it. Don’t worry about it now. You’re probably not getting many emails anyway. Soon you will join the great blue yonder in the sky.

Yahoo – complete freak

You’re a bleakly stupid weirdo who still forwards chain emails about a doll that will come to life and kill you if you don’t pass it on to 50 people by midnight. There are few fellow Yahoo users left, because they’ve all fallen prey to Nigerian prince scams and are in debtor’s prison.

Gmail – dull as fuck

Yeah, you’re boring. You probably still remember the day you typed ‘email’ into Google and just selected the very first thing that came up. You always order the first thing on the menu and your favourite genre of music is Top 40, you basic bastard.

Work e-mail – arrogant prick

Oh, well done you. Commendable in this day and age to not even pretend to have a work/life balance. Your friends and family love your annual updates that your email address is now @newponceworkplace and any emails sent to your previous account are being forwarded to some stranger who’s also called Jeff.

Protonmail – conspiracy knobhead

Using a Switzerland-based encrypted service? Who do you think you are? You’re not engaged in corporate espionage or exchanging state secrets with Bejing. Nobody wants to read your Battlestar Galactica best-to-worst episodes list. MI5 think you’re a twat.

Your own domain name – massive narcissist

Unless you’re a successful children’s party clown or own a restaurant, there’s no need for you to have your own website. An email like ‘[email protected]’ is a sign that you’re not only self-obsessed but unable to notice a pointless tautology. Grow up and join the real world.

Next story ›