The Tory backbencher's batshit plan for ending lockdown right now

TORY MPs have written to the PM demanding a swift end to lockdown. Here weird backbencher Denys Finch Hatton explains how we should be throwing caution to the wind.

Free drinks in the most packed pubs

Let’s get our fine English pubs thriving again. We can scrap those annoying drink-driving laws while we’re at it. Not being allowed to operate a car while shitfaced goes against my libertarian instincts and has got me banned several times over the years. Terribly inconvenient.

Make people lick each other

I read a thing on the internet about herd immunity, and I now realise we need to get there as quickly as possible. Teachers could lick pupils, customers could lick Amazon drivers, I could lick young Tory party researchers. It’s the only way to beat the virus.

Trust people with ‘unconventional’ views

I’m referring to knowledgeable Covid sceptics like myself. I haven’t got the virus, so it’s obviously all just in people’s minds. My immunity has nothing to do with spending the last year in my secluded country mansion attending the Commons by Zoom and getting all my food from Waitrose deliveries.

Shut down the NHS

I wish people could see the obvious reason why so many have died – the NHS is a failed socialist project. American-style health insurance would have Covid vanquished by now, with a tidy profit to boot.

Stop pandering to cowardly office workers

These spineless malingerers need to stop worrying about being put in close proximity to each other for eight hours a day. This view is wholly unconnected to my large investment in commercial property rentals.

Step up the ‘war on woke’

The real threat facing Britain in 2021 is this Marxist-Stalinist ‘wokeness’. Let’s spend millions on statues of Spitfires and keep the elderly Tory voters in my constituency happy.

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How to get a decent nap during a pandemic, by Boris Johnson

I THINK it’s pretty ruddy important to get some shut-eye during the working day. It’s tricky with Covid going on, but here’s how I manage it. Maybe you can too.

Don’t take your work too seriously

Taking your job too seriously is a real snooze-killer, so don’t worry about anything. If your naps clash with a dozen key Cobra meetings, so be it. You can always wing it, and other people will probably pick up your slack.

Invest in some really comfy pillows

Just what you need for a trip to the land of nod. I like to really nuzzle into those pillows so that when I wake up, my hair is already messed up in my trademark ‘look’, which is roguish, fun and handily covers my bald patches.

Don’t let your kids disturb you

There’s very little chance of sleeping if the kids are around. So when I need a brief British version of a siesta, I have Carrie take Wilf out for a walk. Although in the past I’ve found never seeing your kids and denying some of them exist works too.

Delegate

While I’m vividly dreaming about flying a Spitfire in WW2, in the waking world my bidding is being done by such reliable ministers as Hancock, Gove, Raab, Patel and Williamson. Nothing could go wrong with the country in such safe hands. And Marcus Rashford can always think up a few policies.

Tire yourself out

For me, exercise does the trick. So why not go on a seven-mile bike ride with your entire security detail? Yes there’s a lockdown on, but you need your beauty sleep. When you wake up, it’s unlikely the entire nation will be absolutely furious about it.

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