Schafernaker 'Lucky He Didn't Put His Eye Out' Say Opticians

EXPERTS have issued new guidelines for live TV gaffe recovery after Tomasz Schafernaker almost took his eye out with an emergency middle finger retraction.

BBC News 24 footage shows the weatherman making a dirty finger gesture before realising he was on screen and attempting to distract the viewers’ attention by attacking himself in the face.

But Julian Cook, from the Royal College of Opthamologists, said Schafernaker seems to have made the ‘classic mistake’ of pretending to scratch his cheek but had instead come within millimetres of either blinding himself or taking his own nose off.

He added: “In those circumstances, time is simply not on your side and if you react too quickly there will be uncontrolled fingers all over the place.

“The best thing is to simply leave the dirty finger where it is.

“It may look like an unfathomable act of rudeness and defiance on the part someone who is simply there to do the weather, but what you are actually witnessing is health and safety best practice.

“Of course you could also extend all the fingers on your hand so it looks like you’re either examining your palm for stains or are counting down to ‘weather time’.

“And if you are going to be working with a particularly smart arse newsreader do remember to wear safety goggles or better still, a welder’s mask.”

The existing guidelines were introduced after BBC sports presenter Rob Bonnet was caught making an aggressive masturbation gesture at Philip Hayton before trying to cover it up by pretending to choke and then punching himself in the stomach in what he later insisted was a ‘sort of DIY Heimlich manoeuvre’.

 

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There comes a time in your life when you have to stop running. Have you considered the javelin instead?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business. Oh, and I also signed up for one of those organic box deliveries. They just send you whatever’s in season. It sounds really good.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You finally find a restaurant that serves food that tastes just like your mother used to make. What are the chances of finding another cook with precisely the same fungal infection?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your fears over identity theft are eased after a security expert reassures you that your identity is utterly worthless.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Too late, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. What was the date on that yoghurt?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I swear to God, if you do not stop that aimless, working class whistling I will tell them you left here hours ago.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week sign off from your weather forecast by saying ‘now back to the newsdesk for a load of over-hyped bullshit produced by some preening tosspots who wouldn’t know a fucking story if it bit them on the cock’. And then scratch your chin.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I paid for the full hour now get back down there and pretend to be Baroness Thatcher.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Be the bull you’ve always wanted to be. Except don’t have sex in a field when there’s children going past in a car. That’s not nice.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you mark 100 days in coalition by slipping some horse laxative into Vince Cable’s tea and then staring at him blankly while he shits himself.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no sign of Sarah Beeny’s nursing bra. Are you sure you there was enough postage on the stamped, addressed envelope?