subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man returns to gym to flex his smugness

A SMUG bellend is already back in the gym to give his rippling vanity a workout, he has confirmed.

After a lockdown spent exercising in parks and on Instagram, Jack Browne was first in line to get back into his gym and start proudly curling his biceps in front of full-length mirrors.

Browne said: “The first day back is always the hardest, but I reckon I can take a few dozen pouting selfies while lounging on a rowing machine without even breaking a sweat.

“Once more people get here I’ll slather essential oils into my muscles then make thunderous grunts as I slam down some weights so everyone knows that I’m working out. Occasionally I’ll shout ‘Yes!’ like successes do.

“For a warm down I’ll share my achievements on social media in forensic detail so nobody outside the gym feels like they’re missing out. It’s probably a real confidence boost to hear that I’ve been pumping iron since the crack of dawn.

“Then it’s just a case of swaggering around the changing room naked for a few minutes and getting some rest before doing it all again tomorrow.”

Ready salted crisps: what's the f**king point?

CRISPS are the best British foodstuff, but is there really any f**king point whatsoever to ready salted ones? We investigate: 

They cleanse the palate

If you’re enjoying a bracing midday meal of Devon roast beef crisps followed by sweet chilli and sour cream crisps, then a packet of ready salted between courses will calm the taste buds and cleanse the palate ready for the next flavour sensation. But you really should consider eating less crisps.

They punish the unwary

Every day inattentive shoppers grab misleadingly blue-tinged bags emblazoned with promises of sea salt only to be plunged into despair when they get home and discover there’s no eye-watering tang of chardonnay vinegar and their snack is bland and pointless. It’s a lesson that we all should be more alert and probably prevents car accidents.

They allow you to savour the natural flavours of the potato

The potato has no flavour. It’s why it’s the quintessential British dish, along with chicken. It exists as a blank space for bold flavours to be written upon, which is why garnishing it with nothing but salt is mundane and cowardly.

They don’t give you away

The crisps you choose are a far more reliable indicator of your personality than any of that star-sign guff. Bacon? Cheeky, fun, playful. Cheese ’n’ onion? Traditional, open-minded, friendly. Prawn cocktail? Either openly gay or closeted. Ready salted? Gives nothing away except that you’ve got something to hide, and it’s nasty.

They act as a check-and-balance on society

In our hedonistic society of easy credit and instant gratification it’s easy to believe your own personal pleasure is an inalienable right. But the very existence of ready salted crisps, the puritan on the shelf, reminds us that the world is hard and austere and all comes to ruin in the end.

Next story ›