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Man leaving contact details on pub clipboard catches Covid from the pen

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

Health-conscious pub goer Tom Booker became infected with Covid-19 in the short space of time between handling the pen and liberally applying sanitiser while maintaining social distance.

Booker said: “I guess I’ve only got myself to blame for putting my hand near my face. Although I also blame the pen for not being cleaned every five seconds. Plus the f**king bat that started all this.

“The only thing worse than catching an incurable life-threatening disease has been everyone pointing out how ironic this is. Even the bar staff were crying with laughter when I phoned to tell them the bad news.

“Still, I’ve been worried about getting coronavirus for months. If I ride this out then I guess it can’t get any worse.”

The same details Booker wrote down have since been used by a criminal to steal his identity.

Priti Patel's neighbours gagging to report her

PRITI Patel’s neighbours are watching her house for any evidence of more than six people so they can immediately call the police, they have confirmed. 

The home secretary’s neighbours have cancelled their weekend plans in favour of intensive surveillance of the Patel home with the local constabulary on speed dial.

Helen Archer, who lives across the street, said: “Of course she’ll break her own rules. She’s a Tory. The only question is when.

“John who lives next door reckons she’ll have a barbecue this afternoon. Iris four doors up has put her money on a drinks party with her favourite lobbyists and oligarchs tonight.

“There are snoopers with binoculars on every side. The minute she crosses the six-person threshold she’s reported. Just like she asked for.”

The surveillance will end when the limit is breached, the police are called, and Patel executes the visiting constable with a single shot to the head before closing the door, unconcernedly leaving the body on the front steps.

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