MEN tend to start off gorgeous and like fine wines only get better with age. Here are just five ways the male body basically turns all blokes into George Clooney eventually.
Long eyebrow hairs
Hair growing in odd places is just part of a man’s transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. Their hands steadily turn into the manly paws of a werewolf, and straggling nose hairs are interesting to look at while you’re talking to them. But it’s long, wild eyebrow hairs which really prove a man is approaching his sexual peak. You’ll look like the crazy professor in a disaster movie banging on about all human life being wiped out, and that’s incredibly sexy.
Beer gut
Older men are no slouches when it comes to exercise: there’s tending their allotment, squeezing into full lycra for bike rides like they’re in the Tour de f**king France; and walking to the pub to drink eight pints of Carling. By sticking to this last fitness regime, most men develop a prominent – and deeply appealing – beer gut. The great thing is it’s then impossible to shift, which is only fair after you’ve put the hours in.
Jowls
Take that strong, sculptured jawline and bin it. Where it’s really at is flabby jowls which grow over time. Like counting the age of a majestic oak by its rings, you can tell how much life experience a man has by the number of chins on his face. As for them slowly wobbling during sex – that’s just poetry in motion, like the slow-mo bits in Chariots of Fire.
Male pattern baldness
Born with a thick thatch of manly hair? You poor bastard. What truly makes a man into an unstoppable f**k train is losing their hair in a random pattern over a number of decades. A monk’s patch at the back? Trendy. A receding bonce from the front? Sexual dynamite. As men love to point out, they’re only going bald because they have too much testosterone, which is why bald coots feel sorry for their younger, hairy love rivals.
Indescribable genitals
While no one could ever describe a cock and balls as ‘beautiful’, older ones have a wonderful ‘lived in’ charm to them. The various genitals all droop casually, a lot like Bagpuss, and everyone loves Bagpuss. Also the grey pubes give them a distinctly distinguished air, like having a miniature Blake Carrington in your Y-fronts, and he was a babe magnet in Dynasty, which your remember clearly because you are quite f**king old.
