'I didn't know how much parking to put on the car': The agonies of childbirth, as a man

4th October 2023

By Stephen Malley

CHILDBIRTH has a reputation for stinging a bit. However, only people like me, a traumatised husband, can convey the true agony of the experience.

I didn’t know how much parking to put on the car

I’d heard that this process could take a while, but I’d also watched enough movies to know that it could all be over within an hour, so there’s no way I was forking out for all-day parking. My only option was to run out every 60 minutes to top up the meter. Yes, I might have missed the big moment, but at least I didn’t waste £12.50. Now that would have hurt.

The cafeteria didn’t sell sparkling water

I’d filled the overnight bag with an excellent selection of drinks and snacks but thought sparkling water would just get shaken up on the dash to hospital. So imagine my horror when I discovered that the cafeteria only sold the boring still variety. These are the sorts of grisly details they don’t warn you about in your NCT class. There was a large Tesco ten minutes away but there was no way I was leaving my wife’s side for that long, she might have snaffled all the Pringles.

The wifi was shit

If there’s one thing that makes me consider the day my son was born as the very worst of my life, it’s the fact that I couldn’t stream a single episode of Friends. I needed some comfort viewing at a very stressful time and was let down by crappy NHS infrastructure. My wife was okay as she had gas and air. I had to suffer the buffering circle of doom with painful clarity.

I had to sleep in a chair

My wife’s labour went on for such an interminably long time I was forced to sleep sitting upright. The resulting neck pain was pretty damn severe, almost unbearable. Now, I’m not saying my wife didn’t have moments of discomfort, but at least she had one of those cool beds with the controls that make your head go up and down. You don’t even get those at the Premier Inn.

The delivery room TV was stuck on ITVBe

Initial elation at having a private room with a television soon turned to despair when the midwife brusquely informed me that the remote control had been lost. I’m not ashamed to admit that I howled in agony when my first-born son came into the world to the sights and sounds of Dinner Date. To make matters worse, Sharon chose Nathan when she quite obviously had more chemistry with Paul.

There was a massive queue at the hospital Costa

After all that waiting, the actual childbirth bit seemed pretty straightforward and it was time for a much-needed coffee. The midwife just laughed when I asked her for a caramel cortado, so I was forced to trek down two whole floors to the Costa in the lobby. I had to queue for 20 f**king minutes, and it was only as I was leaving that I noticed they sold sparkling water. Ouch.

Overlooked celebrities you're sure would shag you out of gratitude

4th October 2023

SOME celebs get overshadowed by bigger stars or never quite hit the uppermost heights of fame. Here are some who’d be incredibly flattered by your attention.

Amy Adams, Lois Lane, Batman v Superman

Imagine working in an office with Gal Gadot. All your co-workers would remember her birthday, invite her to the pub and happily lend her their stapler, while you’re ignored like a pot plant. That’s how Amy must feel in Superman films, where journalist Lois Lane can’t exactly defeat alien monsters with her powers of shorthand. Yep, we’re pretty sure you’ll pull super-rich Hollywood A-lister Amy if you just cattily point out Wonder Woman 1984 was shit.

Billy Boyd, Pippin, The Lord of the Rings

Scottish actor Billy is not bad-looking and successful by any standards, but his life must be a lot like Pippin’s on his return to the Shire – people are quite interested in what you did in Middle Earth/Hollywood, but they’d prefer to be hearing it from Frodo/Elijah Wood. As such you could definitely shag Billy by saying how much you loved his work in Pimp, Casualty and Seed of Chucky. Okay, you’re going to have to watch a lot of toss for this shag.

Caroline Blakiston, Mon Mothma, Star Wars

After being totally overshadowed by Carrie Fisher, Caroline Blakiston would surely have been putty in your hands after a few thoughtful compliments, eg. ‘You were great as the blonde dollybird in Department S.’ Come to think of it, there were almost no women in the original trilogy, so Blakiston’s role was practically Hamlet compared to Brigitte Kahn as Toryn Farr, entire contribution: ‘Stand by ion control. Fire.’

Larry Mullen Jr, U2

Larry must hate the rest of the U2. For decades he’s sat there bashing away, while Bono meets Barack Obama and the Edge gets to play lead guitar. Even Adam Clayton shagged Naomi Campbell. We’ve all been there – you put the hours in, your boss gets the praise. Let’s face it, pulling Larry would be a cinch. All you’d have to do is buy him a pint, say ‘I see Bono’s being a twat again’ and watch the emotional floodgates open.

Pom Klementieff, Mantis, Guardians of the Galaxy 2

At some point you have to accept there’s a possibility you might not get married to Scarlett Johansson. And it’s not like you’ve seen Marvel stars Zoe Saldana or Elizabeth Olsen looking bored and in need of some company in your local pub. But what about stunning Mantis actress Pom Klementieff from Guardians of the Galaxy? Maybe she gets overlooked because she’s got antennae, but what’s so wrong about having sex with an insect? You’ve tried it before. And according to a random celebrity site on the internet, she’s single. Ask her out on Twitter now. It’s a done deal.

Les Dennis, The Laughter Show, etc.

Les isn’t most people’s top sexual fantasy, but ladies are in with a very strong chance thanks to his ritual humiliation at the hands of Amanda Holden. First she left him, then, thanks to the age gap, became a much bigger star you can’t f**king avoid these days. Hooking up with Les would be a piece of piss, unless he’s given up on relationships entirely, believing they all end in your ex showing off their arse in the Daily Mail every day just to spite you.

Blanche Ravalec, Dolly, Moonraker

The attractive French actress was in the regrettable space-based Bond film Moonraker, source of the physically painful double entendre ‘I think he’s attempting reentry, sir’. Lois Chiles’ Dr Holly Goodhead (make it stop) was the ‘official’ Bond girl while Dolly is relegated to Jaws’ girlfriend and given comedy pigtails. What a downer after you’ve told everyone you’re in a Bond film. Plus you could get in her good books by pointing out she was famous again thanks to the crackpot paranormal theory the Mandela Effect. What woman wouldn’t be delighted?