THE Goverment has announced everything that will be reopening to the British public from July 4th. Here’s the definitive list, with explanations:
OPENING
Pubs, because you’ll need to be pissed to cope with the second wave
Restaurants, because some people are so fancy they need to eat while they get pissed
Hairdressers, because you all look like shit
Places of worship, because we respect the hustle
Cinemas, same
Museums, because the way things are going we’ll have to send half the loot back soon
Social clubs, because they’re pubs
Arcades, because fruit machines and toy grabbers are a social good
Campsites, because seeing you settle for that when you had a villa in Sicily booked will be hilarious
Caravan parks, because they’re basically gatherings of far-right geriatrics, we’ve got Brexit coming and need the support
Fairs, because the blokes who run them scare the shit out of us
NOT OPENING
Schools, which pisses us right off but apparently they’re 30 kids to a broom cupboard these days
Swimming pools, because nobody’s ready to see you mostly naked for at least another six months
Spas, because come on, they’re bollocks
Gyms, because you’ve either proved you can either work out without them or proved you’d rather f**king not
Nail salons, because we can’t spare the masks
Nightclubs, because it’s so much healthier for young people to attend good, honest illegal raves in the open air
Bowling alleys, because that shoes thing urgh and they’re not even good ironically
Theatres and orchestral performances, because if you thought a lone person in the audience coughing ruined them before then imagine it now
