A LACK of ambulance drivers sounds bad, but have you considered these upsides of being dead? Here health secretary Steve Barclay lists the positives.
No more strikes
Strikes are meant to be a pain, but wouldn’t you rather they stopped happening? Succumbing to death is easier than ever if you live in England or Wales, and you’ll be transported to a world free from Mick Lynch and nurses holding placards. Coincidentally, death was the offer we ran past the unions, but the ungrateful swine wanted more money AND staying alive.
Cost of living crisis: over
Being alive is cripplingly expensive, but rotting in the ground doesn’t cost you a penny. Once you’re in a coffin you don’t have to worry about your electricity bill, the interest rate on your mortgage or the state of your pension. This probably explains why death is so popular that everyone gives it a go sooner or later.
Amazing work/life balance
Balancing professional responsibilities and personal commitments is nigh-on impossible, but only if you’re unlucky enough to be alive. After shuffling off this mortal coil, bosses stop expecting you to fill in spreadsheets and friends only pop round once a year to drop off flowers. You could devote your life to your hobbies and interests, if you had motor functions.
You’ll lose weight
Overdid it at Christmas? Carrying around a few more pounds than you’d like? Try dying. Within days the excess flab will start to rot away, and in a matter of months you’ll be toned to a spindly husk that even Gwyneth Paltrow will be envious of. Best of all you don’t have to lug yourself to the gym or watch what you eat.
Being free from Spare coverage
Rolling coverage of Prince Harry’s memoir is enough to make even the happiest of people yearn for the sweet release of death. And given that he’s bound to churn out a few sequels after his debut sold so well, you’re better off peacefully exiting this mortal plane now to avoid the inevitable drama. Even the good bits of life like Happy Valley and Doritos won’t make up for it.
