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Cold water swimming latest health trend people need to shut up about

SWIMMING in cold water during the winter months is the latest wellness fad that people are sick of f**king hearing about.

Enthusiasts claim it is ‘invigorating’ to endure near-hypothermia and frostbite simply so they can show off about how committed they are to being both healthy and smug.

Martin Bishop, whose wife Carolyn has taken to swimming in the sea every morning, said: “I thought swimming in winter was only for Olympic athletes and those leathery old perverts who are always on the news in their Speedos on Christmas Day.

“I accept that it’s good exercise, but exercising is already unpleasant enough without the added risk of either freezing to death or drowning. Not to mention having to deal with my knackers crawling back up into my abdomen.

“The amount she bangs on about how wonderful it is, it’s like she’s constantly trying to reassure herself it isn’t just some weird form of self-torture.”

Carolyn Bishop said: “Oh, it’s marvellous, you simply must try it. Did you know cold water is great for heart health? And there are so many other benefits too. Have you got a spare three or four hours?”

Five different meals that are basically tomatoes and cheese, which is all your kids will eat

FEEDING your kids five tomato-based dishes definitely counts as their five a day. At least you hope it does, or they’re getting rickets. Follow this guide:

Cheese on toast, cheese sandwich or cheese toastie

Your children are adamant that these are all radically different meals, and who are you to crush their imaginative spirit? Fend off any lurking worries about nutrition with two cherry tomatoes on the side, which they won’t eat.

Pizza

Nostalgic for playdates? Recreate the experience by serving a cheap pizza and carefully placing cucumber and carrot sticks in the middle of the table for the kids to ignore. Then leave them to it, pour yourself a big glass of cheap wine and WhatsApp your most gossipy friend for added authenticity.

Jamie Oliver pasta sauce, with parmesan on top

You felt it best to adapt the recipe to remove the aubergine, mushrooms and onions, but otherwise you are feeding your kids a super-healthy Jamie Oliver pasta sauce! Ignore it when your partner says, ‘Isn’t that just heated-up chopped tomatoes?’

Baked beans on toast

If you look at the ingredients list you can prove that this is a wonderfully nourishing meal because the sauce is absolutely not just tomatoes again, it’s also – oh. Sugar. Let’s ignore the ingredients list, and put a mound of grated cheese on top.

Tomatoes and cheese on a plate with crackers

The classic choice for dinner when you can’t be arsed to heat anything up. Make the most of the time you’ve saved by retreating to the sofa, but bulk-order some kids’ vitamins to be on the safe side.

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