subscribe
/ Sign Out

Boris Johnson's totally f**king confusing guide to easing lockdown

ARE you baffled by the government’s approach to easing lockdown? Here prime minister Boris Johnson explains what you should do next week. 

Jolly well get shopping

Give the economy the kickstart it needs by shopping for at least six hours a day. Get essentials like wine, but also buy things you don’t want. Get 500 hammers, or how about a few nice dresses if you’re a man? Just do not come into contact with other people while visiting busy shops.

Don’t wear a mask or don’t not 

Masks, we have established, are useless. But they are also highly effective at preventing transmission of coronavirus. So don’t wear a mask, but also do. If you’re not sure how to do that, just bloody well piss off because I can’t be expected to think of everything.

Do ‘unlimited’ exercise

I’m a committed jogger but all sports are good. Wrestling, rugby and boxing are excellent contact sports so get stuck in, ideally without touching other people. Personally I’m having some wonderful games of tennis on Zoom. That’s clearly total rubbish but I can’t help myself.

Get back to work, you lazy peasants! (Just joking!)

Not really. Bloody well get back to work NOW because businesses are up shit creek and I’m getting grief from party donors. Yes, some of you will die but sometimes it’s unavoidable, like Gallipoli. Also we can’t give more government handouts like a bunch of Trots, because we’ve still got to borrow like maniacs for HS2 and the next Boris Bridge.

Go to the pub

The stout yeomen of England do not let a foreign virus stop them downing a flagon of mead! I am a huge fan of pubs, having attended them several times at Oxford. Just don’t come within six feet of anyone as you crowd into your ‘local’ for a raucous discussion of why Thucydides was a wanker.

Stay at home but go out a lot

Okay, is this enough bullshit now? I’ve got a much better-paid column to knock out for the Telegraph and frankly I don’t give a toss because I’m immune now and this virus stuff isn’t my problem.

The pathetic freedoms you'll be allowed from Monday to make the Tories look good

IT IS in no way time for lockdown to end, but new car sales hit their lowest point since the war last month so the Tories believe the time has come to risk lives.

Here’s the pitiable freedoms you’ll be allowed from Monday morning:

Garden centres re-opened

Aimed squarely at Middle England voters who would happily see whole cities burn as long as their lamprocapnos is thriving. An inalienable freedom granted to us by the Conservatives because if there’s anything worth dying for, it’s bedding plants.

Sunbathing

A nice way of telling Britons they can go and get wrecked in the park if they don’t have gardens, granting this freedom unfortunately takes away the police’s freedom to exercise petty authority by moving you on for no reason. And they’re really enjoyed that one.

Picnics

Because Boris Johnson’s grasp of what ordinary Britons love to do hasn’t been updated since the Famous Five, he firmly believes we’re all missing picnics. If the number of families munching sausage rolls on check-patterned blankets doesn’t satisfy him, he’ll ban going outside at all as punishment.

Unlimited rambles

Very much missing the point, the UK is now allowed long rambles in all the nature they can reach without driving anywhere. Which makes no difference at all to rural residents already doing it and no difference at all to urban residents who still can’t get anywhere decent. It’s the ultimate feelgood worthless bullshit.

The opening of a single ice-cream parlour in mid-Wales

The prime minister will proudly proclaim Paulo’s Ices in Dovey Junction, Wales open for business and be pictured enjoying a raspberry ripple in the hope this boosts the stock market. The fact that Paulo’s is open for an hour a day in one of the UK’s least-populated areas is irrelevant and the media shouldn’t mention it.

Legal weed

Accidentally introduced early, because it was meant to be held over until after the pandemic when the UK is desperate for tax revenue, smoking marijuana is now legal. As with all the other freedoms it’s irrelevant because anyone who wants to do it already does it anyway.

Next story ›