A & E departments are to offer a tier of conventional medical care and a tier of medieval leech treatment following a government shake-up.
Patients can choose between the two levels of care, which you don’t have to pay for yet but just wait until after the next election, under changes designed to reduce waiting times.
NHS director Joseph Turner said: “If you’re a busy working mum with a broken arm, would you rather wait hours to have it set in plaster or ten minutes to get it covered in therapeutic blood-draining leeches?
Pneumonia, strokes, falling down the stairs drunk, theres nothing you cant treat by popping on a few leeches. Its the medical treatment of kings.
“Kings who lived in the 18th century or earlier, but kings nonetheless.
And dont worry about kids being scared of these black segmented vampire worms. For nervous and junior patients, weve glued googly eyes on them.”