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Whole lunch thrown into chaos as man orders starter

A LUNCH with friends has been tipped into panic and disarray after one man ordered a starter without checking with anyone. 

The table of six had been enjoying an upbeat beginning to the meal when the off-piste move by Tom Booker completely upended proceedings.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve been meeting for meals for years and this has never happened before.

“It’s an unspoken rule: drinks, straight to mains, go wild on dessert. So when we heard Tom order those chicken wings, the train jumped its tracks. We’re in uncharted territory now.

“What do we do, all wait staring at him while he eats? Will he offer them round? Do we have to order starters? I’ve got to be back in work by half-one.

“It was honestly more shocking than the dinner where Dan said he was leaving his wife and training to become a clown.”

Booker said: “I wanted a starter so I’m having a starter. Yeah I kind of hate you all.”

Are you batsh*t enough to be a Downing Street adviser?

BORIS Johnson and his grand vizier Dominic Cummings are hiring advisers who believe in eugenics and forced contraception. Are you unhinged enough to be one?

Do you call yourself a maverick?

Do you consider your inability to iron shirts and conversational tactlessness to basically make you Tom Cruise buzzing MiGs in the Cold War? Did you only get a 2:1 in political science because your eyesight is too poor to fly a plane? Join the government.

Do you enjoy being controversial for no reason?

If you’ve spent a lot of time being a dickhead on social media because your only joy comes from irritating others, why pass up the opportunity to troll the whole of the UK?

Have you got zero appropriate qualifications?

Be gone, qualified civil servants! From now on the government will happily employ people whose previous work experience is Disney Store greeter and ice-cream van bouncer, as long as they’re willing to challenge Dominic Cummings with fresh new views on ley-lines.

Have you got some really weird and dark beliefs?

Were people too quick to judge the Nazis? Is the Earth hollow? Are we all living in a simulation? Should pretty people be forced to wear ugly masks? Should microdosing LSD be a part of every workers’ day? If you answered ‘yes’ to any or all the above, the job’s yours.

Are you essentially a lunatic with a blog?

You don’t even need to bother with an interview. Start forming government policy today.

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