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The pathetic Brit's guide to indirectly saying your meal was shit

HAVE you been disappointed by a meal out but lack the balls to complain? Here’s your guide to indirectly making your feelings known in a feeble British way. 

Loudly praise the restaurant’s decor

There’s nothing good to say about the food, so be overly enthusiastic about the decor – everyone knows positive people are angry inside. The lighting is subtle, the paintings of fish just wonderful. In your mind the obvious message you’re sending out is: ‘She loves the decor, but hasn’t mentioned the food. She must hate it!’ Although there’s a slim chance no one will notice.

Ask the manager if they saw Jurassic World Dominion

Talk about negative experiences – a washout holiday, kidney stones, the latest seen-it-all-before Jurassic Park movie. The manager will ask himself, ‘Why is the customer having this negative train of thought? Could our restaurant have set it off? OH GOD!’

Act like you shagged the waiter and they never called

The waiter deserves your ire. Act with all the bitterness of someone who has put out then been ghosted. When they bring the prawn bhuna, say ‘Surprised you turned up!’ and generally be annoyed and sarcastic. Just don’t get carried away with the routine and say ‘Sure you’ve got my number?’ Despite your weirdness, they’ll be delighted they’ve pulled and you don’t want that.

Don’t write a review online

Nothing says ‘I f**king hated this place’ more than not even deigning to shit all over it on Tripadvisor. It was, frankly, beneath you to review. Words may be weapons, but there is probably great power in silence. Show them who’s boss.

Turn the bill into an origami snake

Curse the establishment by leaving a carefully folded origami serpent on the table when you leave. A symbol of evil and original sin, your snake bill will let everyone know that you were unhappy with the pan-fried seabass. You might have to leave a short essay explaining this.

Never return to the restaurant

By never going back, the restaurant staff will surely know how little you think of them and gradually realise the error of their ways. Unless they assume you were a day tripper, you’ve moved, or you’ve died. Either way, it’s time to find another restaurant for you to kick into touch with your stinging imperceptible hints.

Bonding over country walks instead of class As: Signs you and your mates are getting middle aged

ONE minute you’re popping pills, the next you’re visiting National Trust sites and discussing potty training. Here are the warning signs that your social circle has become dangerously middle-aged.

You bond over country walks instead of class A drugs

Do your friends contact you before a big get-together and remind you to bring a few grams? Or do they remind you to bring an anorak and a decent pair of walking boots? If the closest thing to a drug you consume now is a slab of moreish Kendal mint cake, you’ll never swap dreary anecdotes about a ‘bad E’ again. 

Your holidays always factor in art galleries and museums

Time was, you and your mates would pick holiday destinations based purely on their proximity to clubs and bars. But in recent years you’ve been overcome by the feeling you should look at a Picasso or a bit of medieval crockery. It’s nothing to worry about. It just means your youth is over and you’ve begun your slow march to the grave.

The vast majority of your conversations are about property prices

Young people talk about TikTok, Stranger Things, and anal sex. Whereas old people prefer to chat about tedious shit like house prices and mortgages. You don’t mean to get sucked into a long, boring-as-f**k conversation off Location, Location, Location, but somehow it always happens.  

Nightclubs are now too loud and busy

Once you reach a certain age, nightclubs suddenly become confusing and frightening places. Don’t fight it. A nightclub is simply not a suitable environment for bald patches, cardigans and mid-life ennui. Instead go somewhere more age-appropriate, like a quiet pub that lets you play board games. A good game of backgammon is just as much fun as pulling, you blatantly lie to yourself.

You all call it a night before 10pm

You can still remember the days when you and your mates would stay out until the sun came up. But now you’ve all got work and other soul-destroying responsibilities. Also you’re tired. Really f**king tired. Still, if all your mates are knackered zombies with no interesting conversation you’ve always got people to hang out with.

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