LOADING your garage with goods with no consideration for others? Here’s how to bugger up other people’s Christmases to the limit:
Act like it’s a real emergency
Your life will not be over if you don’t get bread sauce, but that’s not the attitude. Jostle, hassle and abuse people in a heaving mass of fellow shoppers until Asda resembles the fall of Saigon.
Only leave the crap booze
The drinks section should look as if it’s been ravaged by alcohol-hungry locusts. But leave the shit, so another harassed shopper will excitedly see a few last bottles of wine on the shelf, only to be crushed by disappointment as they realise it’s f**king Eisberg.
Loo roll again
Not since spring have we been afraid to wipe our arses, so Christmas must not be about presents and pudding but the Boxing Day dump and the dwindling toilet paper reserves. Ideally whole families should have their enjoyment of Dunkirk ruined by holding one in.
Get four turkeys, just in case
Massively over-purchase any key Christmas item – if you’ve got enough gravy to last until 2030, that’s great because other people won’t be getting any. And isn’t that the reason for the season?
Don’t stop with Christmas stuff
Tampons don’t go off, and it’s a real pain if there aren’t any, so buy lots. Toothpaste is pretty important too, so if you can afford it get 400 tubes. You’ll use it eventually, with what’s coming, or trade it for a hatful of stew in the bombed-out ruins of Buckingham Palace.
Fight in the supermarket
Be so fixated on that 90p Terry’s Chocolate Orange that you’ll trade punches with Captain Tom without balking. And if that four-year-old girl gets between you the last Baby Yoda, she knew the risk she was taking.