Stop this 'small plates' bullsh*t, restaurants told

SMALL plates should never have been allowed and must stop now, restaurants have been told.

Diners admitted they accepted the idiotic idea ‘because it was a novelty’ like cereal cafes and restaurants that only sells hummus.

Jane Thomson said: “We’ve had enough. Now if a server says, ‘are you familiar with our concept?’ it’s time to reply, ‘yes I am, and it’s bullsh*t, bring me a normal plate of food’.

“We don’t want our tiny restaurant tables scattered with so many quirkily mismatched plates that there’s nowhere to put dining essentials like my phone and my elbows.

“Also, we don’t want to pay £8.95 for this small smudge of aubergine tempura scattered with pomegranate seeds. Especially if you recommend three per person.”

Thomson added: “I get that it’s about sharing. That’s why it’s bad.”

What people say about your child and what they actually mean

YOUR children are just as awful as everyone else’s, whatever your friends may be saying to your face. Here’s how to decode the euphemisms they use to describe your offspring.

‘Lively’: dreadful little shit

‘Creative’: insane

‘Good talker’: Shut. The f*ck. Up.

‘Thinker’: kind of weird

‘Hilarious’: not remotely hilarious

‘Determined’: pathologically selfish

“Free spirit’: insane

‘Old soul’: creepy as f*ck

And remember ‘He/She looks just like you’ isn’t necessarily a compliment.