CHRISTMAS Dinner contains a multitude of delicious components, but now we’re all through it which is the best?
Sprouts
Spouts are shit, even if you’re a middle-class wanker who tries to make them palatable by cooking them with Parmesan and garlic. But just like visiting your in-laws you must experience the misery, because of tradition. They are the encapsulation of Christmas.
Bread sauce
Sorry, what? A jug of wet, warm bread? No, thank you. Still better than sprouts though.
Carrots
Boring, don’t taste of much. The only real benefit is they add a splash of colour to an otherwise worryingly beige plate.
Peas
Also boring, also colourful. Well, they should be, but your mum always forgets she’s put them on and boils them into brown, rock-hard pellets while secretly necking the cooking wine.
Parsnips
Sweet. Tasty. Especially when glazed in honey. But still a vegetable, and therefore disappointing.
Turkey
Even if your dad has been up since 5am wrapping it in Parma ham and basting it with the same care and attention he put into bathing you as a newborn, turkey will only ever elicit a ‘meh’ from the table. Just do a chicken, dad, no one gives a f**k.
Cranberry sauce
Sharp, sweet, zesty, and exactly what is needed to cut through the rest of the stodge you’ve greedily heaped onto your plate, you tubby bastard.
Gravy
Your foodie twat of a brother spends the best part of an hour lovingly making gravy from meat juices and browning. You tell him it tastes the same as Bisto granules. He gives you a dead leg under the table. Anyway, it’s good because it lubricates dad’s dry turkey without being bread sauce.
Stuffing
Herby, starchy, crunchy and utterly delicious, even if your mum accidentally bought the vegetarian stuff. You’d rather eat it instead of the turkey to be honest, but don’t tell your dad as he’s had a few and might start crying. Roasted dead bird is all he’s got.
Roast potatoes
Normally the king of a roast dinner, these fluffy, crispy wonders are sadly relegated to number two at Christmas. However, that doesn’t stop you filling 60 per cent of your plate with them and hissing at your sister ‘snitches get stitches’ when she says you’ve had more than your fair share.
Pigs in blankets
Salty, tasty meat wrapped in salty, tasty meat. The culinary pinnacle of the year and, arguably, the true meaning of Christmas.
