IT’S unusual, but you do meet people who’ve somehow bypassed every bit of pop culture from Star Wars to Pharrell. Here’s what to do if you’re on a date with one.
Don’t take their blank expression personally
As they stare uncomprehendingly at you trying to explain Die Hard it’s easy to take it as criticism. Don’t worry, it’s not. They don’t think you’re an idiot for knowing about action movies. They think you’re sad, immature and not the sort of person they’d ever consider sleeping with.
Do not incorporate your food
Sticking a pulled-off king prawn head on your index finger and exclaiming ‘Fingermouse!’ will just make them think you’re mentally ill. As will the bread roll dance from Benny & Joon, but not having seen that is hardly a deal-breaker for a relationship.
Be prepared to sound like a child
For example, Guardians of the Galaxy is a perfectly acceptable film for adults, but you’re digging yourself a hole if you try to explain it from scratch. There’s just no way to say ‘There’s Star-Lord and Rocket Raccoon, he’s a talking raccoon, and they’re space travellers, and there’s Gamora, she’s the green alien on the posters…’ without sounding about eight years old. This is not very attractive to adults, unless you’ve been incredibly unlucky with your date.
Avoid amusing (to you) quotes
Don’t say something like ‘Yeah, I used to live in Streatham – a wretched hive of scum and villainy!’ because they’ll give a depressingly literal response, eg. ‘It can’t be that bad.’ The curious thing is they wont ask why you’re talking like a 17th century pirate.
Home in on their hobbies
The reason people don’t watch films or TV is often because they’re mad keen on outdoorsy hobbies like mountain biking or yachting. As soon as you identify this interest, ask lots of questions about. Not because it’s interesting but because you need a mental rest after trying to describe Kurt Cobain and the entire grunge movement while eating sticky ribs.
Be very patient
You might think you’ve done a great job of summarising bullshit ancient alien theories because your date asked about it. And you thoughtfully did it in less than a minute so they wouldn’t get bored, while still managing to reference Von Danïken and Ancient Aliens. Then they ask: ‘So is this a film?’ Resist the urge to scream, take a deep breath and patiently go back to the beginning. Well, the pyramids anyway.
Make a tough decision about sex
You’d assumed the date was going badly, but you’d forgotten your potential partner has dysfunctional conversations about pop culture with everyone they meet. So when, to your surprise, sex and romance are on the cards, you’ve got a difficult question to ask yourself: can you face a relationship with someone it will take 15 hours to explain an episode of The Simpsons to?
