VEGANS due to visit your problematic, animal-product-filled house? Here’s how to pretend you’re as morally superior as them:
Don’t serve hot drinks
Refrain from serving your vegan guests tea or coffee if you don’t have any non-dairy milk substitutes. By only having cow’s milk to offer you risk revealing that you’re actually an abhorrent monster who’s masquerading as a caffeine addict. You’ll be cancelled faster than you can say ‘Oatly is unethical, too’.
Lie about how much you love meat and cheese
It will be clear from your Pepperami breath and your unfashionable leather shoes that you’re not vegan, so pretending otherwise won’t fool the hypersensitive. But phrases like ‘I actually prefer veggie sausages’ and ‘I’m planning to reduce my brie consumption’ can make it look like you care about animals. Just not enough to stop eating them.
Show off your vitamin supplements
Vegans swear by multivitamin tablets to replace all the nutritional goodness they miss out on by abstaining from cream finger doughnuts and lemon meringue pies. You must have a jar of them near the back of the cupboard, so dig them out and put them on display even if they expired in 1995.
Hide all the eggs
Leftover scrambled eggs still not cleaned up from dinner last night? Painted egg shells from the children’s dodgy art projects? They all need to be hidden, pronto. And when your censorious guests are gone you can have a fun little egg hunt in preparation for the full English you’re having tomorrow in revenge.
Casually talk about seeds
Phrases such as, ‘would you like a sprinkle of flaxseed in your water?’ or ‘fancy some chia or hemp seeds in your wine?’ will leave your plant-eating friends in no doubt as to almost-a-vegan-but-not-quite-there-yet credentials. They love seeds. They’re so far gone they genuinely think of seeds as a treat.
Show off your pets
Don’t worry if you don’t have any. Simply borrow a stray cat from a nearby park and play with it boisterously. There’s no better way to show that you care about animals than by happily letting one scratch and bite you in front of your self-righteous guests.
