Environment
Spring thinks it's too late to start now
SPRING will bypass the UK this year after deciding that to arrive so late would be unbearably awkward.
Will snow lead to better crime dramas?
FREEZING Britons expect the newly-Arctic UK to lead to a spate of compelling crime-based television.
Even little kids want snow to f*ck off now
EVEN small children have run out of patience with the snow, it has been confirmed.
Humanity virus almost cured, says planet
PLANET Earth is celebrating after a major breakthrough in its battle against the deadly humanity virus.
Lambs disillusioned
MANY of this year's lambs are being born jaded.
Titanic II vows revenge on icebergs
TITANIC II has pledged to destroy all the world's icebergs.
Siberian wind will strip away your layers of tawdry self-delusion, says Met Office
A BITING wind from the haunted Siberian wasteland will expose the lies you tell yourself, the Met Office has confirmed.
Hornets going to sting anyone who uses them in racist simile
YELLOW-LEGGED hornets have promised to sting anyone who compares them to human immigrants.