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They're your turds, say water companies

BRITAIN’S water companies have hit back at criticism by pointing out that the turds clogging the rivers and seas all came from your arses.

Water UK, representing nine water and sewage companies who paid out £1.4bn in dividends last year, suggested outraged Britons should perhaps trace the problem back up the sewage pipes to their very own U-bends.

A spokesman said: “Do you think we’re shipping these turds in from China? No. This sewage is 100 per cent domestic.

“Which means that floater you’re so disgusted to see bobbing past your face in the sea at Weymouth came from a bottom not so different from your own. 

“You sit there, hypocritically moaning about rivers of untreated human waste, then you’re straight off to the toilet to make the problem worse. Where do you think your shit goes when you flush? Fairyland?

“This is an entirely arse-made problem, with literally tens of millions of them shipping a bowel movement per day, and you’re blaming us for it? If you all just shat in a carrier bag or a hole in the garden for a week this problem would be over like that.”

The spokesman added: “We’ve completely eliminated the scourge of wild swimming, and do we get any credit for that? No. It’s just blame, blame, blame.”

Six luxuries of the poor, from phones to cheese. By Ann Widdecombe

POOR people should not have anything that makes life enjoyable, and that includes food. Here is Ann Widdecombe’s guide to what they don’t deserve.

Smartphones

Ann doesn’t want to hear your rubbish about how hard it is to look for a job, check your emails or just stay in touch with friends and family without a smartphone. They’re new-fangled devices for lazy heathens. Ann thinks so, because she was born in 1947. Or possibly 1847. She probably thinks Florence Nightingale was a nanny state do-gooder.

Entertainment

If you don’t have much money, a Netflix subscription is going to make up a large part of your entertainment. However, Ann thinks anyone who can afford to spend £5.99 a month on telly is obviously living in the lap of luxury. You know what you should do instead? Go to church. It’s free, and it might stop you being tortured in Hell forever. That’s better than Succession.

Habitable homes

You want a safe, warm, mould-free home for your family? Who do you think you are, King Charles? The reason you can’t afford a nice home isn’t because the housing market is out of control, it’s because you’re a feckless layabout. Yes, even if you already work two jobs. Why not just get three, or ten?

Foreign holidays

Ann doesn’t care if a week all-inclusive on the Costa Brava is significantly cheaper than hiring a caravan in Cornwall. Anyone on benefits should reimburse the cost of every holiday they’ve ever had and have their passport confiscated. Skegness is all they deserve. 

Children

Ann wants people to have more children, but only white ones and only if parents can completely afford them, which even the middle classes are struggling with. If poor people don’t have children, who will Ann judge and disparage? She’s got a lot of nasty prejudices and she’s utterly mad, so she’d have to turn to British wildlife. Badgers? There’s plenty of jobs picking fruit but will they get off their furry arses? No. Don’t get her started on pond skaters, the freeloading bastards.

Cheese

On top of everything else, all these other unnecessary fripperies, you want to eat as well, do you? There is a cost-of-living crisis on, don’t you know? It’s just selfishness. It would probably be better for society if all the poor people starved to death, so maybe it’s a problem which will solve itself.

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