THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.
ITV insiders claim the sexually-voracious humanoids – genetically engineered by the channel to appear in its light entertainment shows – escaped after chewing through the titanium bars of their cage.
A source said: “This was bound to happen. The male and female enclosures were too close together, they would smell each other and get worked up into a frenzy.
“We usually have Jason Manford backstage to keep them quiet with some material about sat navs with funny voices, but last night he got stuck on the motorway.”
He continued: “The females were out first, killing the guard then rutting with his mauled corpse. Shots were fired, and alpha female Geordayna fell dead.
“With their leader down the rest of the females fled through the fire exit, clambering over cars as they disappeared into nearby woods.
“Enraged by the loss of their potential mates, the males were banging the sides of their cage, hooting and hurling faeces.
“Their leader Big D aka the D-Man, instantly recognisable by his funky hair, partly see-through shirt and highly defined abdominal muscles, grabbed a keeper in a headlock and took his cage keys.
“Most of the males were soon recaptured with the aid of electro-prods and pornography. But a small group led by Big D and his friend ‘Quiffster’ left the building.
“Helicopter teams containing ITV rangers were scrambled, putting the creatures down with head shots. Big D was killed while having sex with a swan in the middle of the M5.
“It’s what he would have been wanted.”
Take Me Out is hosted by Paddy McGuinness, who was still a schoolboy when he was discovered by ITV scouts throwing smaller children’s bags onto the roof of the science block.
