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So, Where's All The Fucking Grit? Asks Britain

PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what in the name of fuck has happened to all the grit.

As grit supplies ran low, leading to thousands of car crashes, motorists said that if there is one thing you would think the council could not fuck up, it would be making sure there’s enough grit.

Experts claim the shortage has been caused by climate change, childhood obesity, or possibly the influx of unskilled, non-EU immigrants.

A spokesman for Hertfordshire County Council said: “I have seen some rather fat, hungry looking children hanging around the depot.

“And let’s not forget that one of the most devastating effects of climate change is to make council officials forget to order more grit.

“But no, on second thoughts you’re right, it’s probably all that immigration.”

The grit shortage has also presented Britain’s newspapers with their most irresistible metaphor since that big, stinking cloud wafted across the Channel from Brussels in 2007.

Melanie Phillips, writing in the Daily Mail, said: “As if it was not already obvious, modern Britain has no grit.

“The arctic weather has exposed not only our lack of grit, but also, and in a very real sense, our lack of grit.

“DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M SAYING?”

 

More Coldplay, Warns Ofsted

CUTS in school music budgets could lead to a cataclysmic surge in Coldplay, Ofsted have warned.

The education watchdog said that without extra investment Britain faces a pandemic of ghastly sixth-form poetry and clangingly obvious chord progressions.

Schools have been warned that without a proper grounding in music appreciation, the country risks creating a 'lost generation' of simpering teenagers singing Fix You very quietly on the bus.

An Ofsted spokesman said: "Imagine somebody warbling an episode of Brideshead Revisited at your face, accompanied by an acoustic guitar, forever."

The report found that 70 percent of pupils could not tell the difference between the Pigeon Detectives and a group of musicians, while only one in 10 schools allow pupils to swap their James Morrison albums for drugs.

The spokesman added: "Music is considered so unimportant in some schools they allow PE teachers to conduct the lessons. That's just one step away from placing some textbooks in a pile and setting fire to them."

A spokesman for the National Union of Teachers said: "It's not yet as bad as Norway where 30 years of chronic underfunding left the country decimated by death metal and Aqua.

"Nevertheless with the funds available here in the UK, we'll be lucky to produce a Bez every five years."

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