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Snow falling across North as per bloody usual

SNOW is falling across Scotland and northern England just as it always does right into bloody August. 

Heavy Easter snowfall in Aberdeen, Leeds and Darlington has come as no surprise to their gritty, stoical residents, who regularly dig through blizzards while Londoners sunbathe.

28-year-old Bill McKay of Saddleworth, smiling grimly while Arctic winds whipped ice particles into his face, said: “Call this snow? This is nowt.

“It never stops up here. When we had two week in Bridlington last July the drifts were up to the windows of the static every day. Lovely holiday that. Bracing.

“Apparently down south they don’t even get snow in April, never mind August. Well no wonder they’re so bloody soft, with their City jobs and takeaway lattes.

“No, we’re not mithered by a bit of snow. Bread and butter to us. You Southern lot keep on running the country and leave us to it.”

Julian Cook of Winchester said: “Yes, that’s just as I’d always thought.”

How to never pay your friends back for anything

ALWAYS getting mates to spot you cash with no intention of paying them back? Money-saving expert Jordan Gardner explains how to defraud your nearest and dearest: 

Emphasise your poverty

If you’re a constant borrower, saying you’re skint this week won’t cut it. You were skint last week too. Always have fresh excuses for your poverty – that bloody gas bill – while heavily implying the sandwich they’re buying you is the first thing you’ve eaten all day. Wait until you’re safely home before washing truffles down with champagne.

Be unnervingly grateful

When you’ve got that crisps, pint, or new top in hand, it’s important to show your gratitude in such an arse-licking way that they’ll feel sufficiently weird about ever mentioning it again. Tell your mate that they’re not only generous, but smart, sexy and destined for greatness. They’ll feel guilty about asking for their £6.30 back then.

Suggest that they’re a tight-arse

Or once the moment has passed, start having a go at them. You don’t want to alienate them completely or who will you ponce money off next week, but a bit of aggressive banter about their frugal ways will make them feel justifiably guilty for bringing up that £20. Ask if they truly understood the moral lesson of The Muppet Christmas Carol. 

Confuse them

Was it them who bought that last round? Or was it you? Mind games might not work with high street banks, but they definitely work with friends who are already five pints in. If they’re adamant that it was them, derail the argument by bringing up an unpaid taxi ride from 2012.

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If they really won’t let it go, consider moving, changing your name and finding a new group of pals to take financial advantage of. Some friends are worth their weight in gold; others are worth the Mumford & Sons ticket they bought you three years ago. Time to move on to greener, more gullible pastures.

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